This is Part 2 of a collection of posts used to write my book How to Raise a Mindful Eater
Several months ago Big A started going in her brother’s room to jump on his bed. She eventually started referring to it as her morning jumping, afternoon jumping, and nighttime jumping. Apparently, his bed was bouncier than hers.
But when we discovered what happened as a result of this jumping, a hole in the mattress, we ordered her to stop. The very next day she was in tears because she missed her jumping so much. We found a solution so she could keep jumping, but we also realized how this activity had become her way of self-regulating and dealing with daily stressors.
I know that to write a book on teaching kids moderation the topic of self-regulation needs to be examined. Children who cannot self-regulate are more likely to use unhealthy habits to cope with stress. I recently chatted with Dr. Stuart Shanker, self-regulation expert, CEO of the MEHRIT Centre and author of Calm, Alert and Learning. It was a pleasure to pick his brain and I learned a lot about a topic every parent should know about.
A Stressed-Out Generation
People tend to think of stress as major events that cause hardship. While this can and does happen, looking at stress as “out-of-the-norm” events mean parents miss it not only in their children but in their own lives. Dr. Shanker defines stress as anything that triggers a response in the brain that requires energy. In other words, every stressor a child is faced with takes up a certain amount of energy. Potential stressors might be physiological, emotional, cognitive, social, or prosocial according to Dr. Shanker. But all children react differently to life events. What causes excess stress in one child may not in another.
Let’s take a child who has attention issues in school. This boy, let’s call Sam, expends a tremendous amount of energy to sit and focus all day, while his neighbor next door requires much less energy to do this same task. Because much of Sam’s energy is used up sitting still and being quiet, he runs out of energy to control his impulses and gets in trouble, which only adds to his stress.
For another child, too many structured activities can be a stressor. When my daughter was seven, she tried several activities at one time and the result was not pretty (she had activities four days a week after school). She was irritable and angry much of the time, and her joy in those activities started to lessen. We eventually backed off and only had her in one, two at the most, outside-of-school activities.
While some stress is good, stress overload has been linked to excess weight and adverse eating habits. This is because the body reacts to stress with hormonal, metabolic and neural changes that can drive food intake. Although more research is needed, chronic stress has the potential to derail good eating habits in certain individuals. Not only that, it negatively affects overall health and well-being.
The good news is research is showing there’s much that can be done to help kids and parents. And it starts with learning self-regulation skills.
What is Self-Regulation?
Dr. Shanker says that while there are over 400 definitions for self-regulation, he likes to use the original definition from the 1930s: “how effectively we deal with stress and recover from it.” He says how well we recover from different situations is key.
Dr. Shanker has received resources to test out self-regulation strategies in Canadian schools in the form of a two-part initiation: a study and small-scale initiative. The study was so successful, the initiative quickly expanded to a wider range of schools. It is now being used in many parts of the world and he is hopeful that will soon include the U.S.
“There is lots of data that we have highest stressed generation than we ever seen,” says Dr. Shanker. “Many of the stressors are hidden so parents miss it.” He hits on sugar as a hidden stressor or sign that kids may not be regulating themselves well. In one of his studies, working with kids on self-regulation strategies, he found that once they learned to self-regulate, they began choosing fruit over sugary snacks. “Not from us telling them, the brain naturally wants quality food when it’s not stressed.”
According to Dr. Shanker’s PDF Calm, Alert and Happy, signs a child is over-stressed include trouble paying attention, difficulty doing simple tasks, acting crabby in the morning, feeling unhappy during the day, being argumentative, getting angry a lot (this can turn violent in some children), acting highly impulsive, becoming easily distracted, having difficulty tolerating frustration and experiencing difficulty going to bed or turning off the television/video game.
Teaching Self-Regulation
We tend to look at self-control as a strength or weakness. And if it’s a perceived weakness in children, parents and teachers try to drive it into kids using rewards and punishments, which Dr. Shanker says doesn’t work.
He explains why showcasing the classic Stanford “Marshmallow Test.” In this study, researchers tell a group of four-year-olds they could have one marshmallow now or wait and get to later if they wait 15 minutes. The kids who waited, showing more self-control, ended up being more successful and healthy as adults. Dr. Shanker argues that kids who have trouble with self-control, aren’t weaker at all, they simply are using up too much of their mental energy dealing with stressors. If these kids can become self-regulated, they would exhibit self-control like their less-stressed peers.
Self-regulation begins with reframing a child’s behavior from “this is bad, I need to punish” to understanding why they are acting out. There’s a big difference between a stress behavior and a misbehavior. So if a child is having trouble paying attention, ignoring distracters, inhibiting impulses, controlling emotions and just not being able to stay in a calm and alert state, the potential stressors needed to be looked at.
Common stressors include family life disturbances, lack of communities, loss of parent and child connection, overexposure to screens, too little exercise, poor sleep and diets, noise, clutter, over-stimulation at school and highly structured days without enough free play.
When you identify a stressor, you can work to decrease it or help the child manage it better. I know my son has trouble with noise so we keep a quiet house, especially during homework. And too many structured activities, in addition to school, stresses my daughter out so I make an effort for free play with other kids or just going to the park. And to be honest, sometimes I sense my kids need more one-on-one time with me or their dad when they seem to be off.
The trifecta of self-care is vital to self-regulation: sleep, a balanced diet and physical activity. Parents need to work hard to keep these a priority and help children learn these self-care skills as they get older. A well rested and fed child that is active will always self-regulate better than a child constantly missing out on one or more of these healthy behaviors.
Dr. Shanker says it’s important to help kids understand what it feels like to be in a calm and alert state versus hypo or hyper-alert. Some children have become used to having their engine running very fast, so this can take work for them to notice when they are feeling just right. According to Calm, Alert and Happy:
When children are calmly focused and alert, they are best able to modulate their emotions; pay attention; ignore distractions; inhibit their impulses; assess the consequences of an action; understand what others are thinking and feeling, and the effects of their own behaviors; or feel empathy for others.
Lastly, you want to help kids understand how to get back to a calm focused and alert state when their engine is running too fast or slow. It might be art, jumping (like my daughter), sports, free play, music or reading. It will be different for each child.
Parents Need to Self-Regulate Too
When I asked Dr. Shanker about the role parents play, he said it’s imperative we go through this process first, so we can better help our kids. “Parents don’t self-regulate either,” he says. “In fact, we are a dysregulated society!” He explains that kids pick up on their parent’s body language and self-regulation habits. In his upcoming book, Self Reg, he spells out how both parents and children can learn self-regulation skills.
This really got me thinking about how well I self-regulate. I definitely rely on exercise to keep me zen and my sleep and diet are top priorities, too. But I also notice that clutter, too much computer time (especially at night), over-committing and not sharing my worries with others are hidden stressors for me.
So if you want to raise a healthy child, in addition to getting feeding right, you need to help them (and yourself) with this thing called self-regulation. It might just change your family’s life. I know it’s already changed mine.
How is stress affecting your family? Any stories to share?
How to Raise a Mindful Eater Post Series
1. Obstacles and Benefits to Raising Intuitive/Mindful Eaters
2. The Importance of Self-regulation and Stress Management
3. Myths About Food Addiction That Keep it Alive [Next]
4. The Real Reason Children Crave Carbs
5. The Power of Paying Attention at Meals
6. How to Build Your Child’s Self-Control Muscle
7. How to Keep the Weight-Obsessed Culture from Harming Your Child’s Relationship with Food
8. My New Book: How to Raise a Mindful Eater
Want this series plus more content, expert interviews, and stories? Check out How to Raise a Mindful Eater: 8 Powerful Principles for Transforming Your Child’s Relationship with Food
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